the 1, 2 punch -

Dear reader, brace yourself this could be a long one! This post may be more of a cathartic process for me than anything else. Be that as it may, here it is......

Today, it hit me. It hit me right between the eyes, then it went straight to the inner core - my soul. The adoption process was OVER. There wasn't any children in our home, sleeping in their beds, or eating at their places around our dinner table. There would be no toys littering the living room, no doll clothes strung from here to there, no dump trucks to hurl across our floors. But the thing that was the loudest was there wasn't laughter filling our household. It was DEAFENING! The absence of giggling or squeals of delight, no maple syrup kisses or quick hugs around the legs and then dashing out the door to explore the next great adventure. It's GONE!

I've know for awhile now that there was something building within myself. It was a type of pressure. There was three contributing factors that can be indentified very quickly.

The house itself - it has been over three months now. This house has been in a state of chaos, out-of-sorts, mis-placed things. I can't set down because there is a window that needs painting, that cabinet door needs to be re-hung, have I sanded that drawer facing yet? Where is my hammer? Oh yes, I have to go buy more hardware for the cabintry, and another gallono of paint - don't forget caulking. Where is that confounded hammer? Oh there is the screwdriver I needed an hour ago to remove that piece of hardware. "Please God, will you please help me find my hammer?" When will the contractor show up again - it's been three & a half weeks. What part of "we want to get this house ready to put on the market as quickly as possible wasn't clear enough?" Did I mumble when I told him we really were in a hurry to get this house listed on the market before the special tax money was gone? That was eight or ten weeks ago now.

ORDER - yes, order. I like order in my home. Everything has a place and everything should be in it's place. "Have you seen my hammer?"

Preparing this house had become a second job a long time ago. I HATE my second job. I love my primary job - it brings me a great deal of satisfaction. I can't quit my second job - it HAS to be finished.

The 2nd contributing factor has been one that began just about the time we started remodeling the house for market. We had a yound man in our church that appeared to be in difficult time in his young life. So we reached out to him; we jumped in both feet first. We had no idea that it would end as poorly as it has. For all of acts of kindness, all the love and attention we gave to him,etc., etc. we were not prepared for the way we would be treated in return. The deceit, lies,cold-heartedness and utter contempt (criminal acts and all) that has been displayed to us left us completely bewildered. He all but asked us to become surrogate parents. He called us Mom & Dad. He could have had us the rest of our lives but that all vaporized in less than three short months. All we can do at this point is pray for the young man, that God will have grace with him and protect him from himself. My greatest concern is that he will "mess over" the wrong person and they won't be as forgiving as we have been.

Finally, of course there is the failed adoption. Nearly three years of our lives invested into something that will not yield a thing. The "system" is so horribly broken it is tragic to think just how many children are not getting their forever family because the system has "paralysis by analysis".

It was about 10:30 this morning when the pressure blew the lid off. I had had enough, I was done. I realized after speaking with my spiritual mother that I was very sick in many different ways. She was absolutely right - I was grieving the loss of children. I went back to my desk after having spoken with her and could NOT focus whatsoever. I felt the crack, debris was about to begin falling - I had to get out of there with whatever dignity I had at the moment. I told my boss I had to go home, that I was sick. How I wish I were physically sick. I wish I could just spew it all into the toilet and it would all be over with - a 24 hour bug; that would have been more desirable than this. Now I have to deal with the anger, unmeasurable disappointment, sadness, more anger,etc.

I have to share this little story and get it off my chest as well. I went to the Verizon Wireless store a couple weeks ago. My bosses upgraded my cell phone to the very coolest and latest thing on the market. I had to wait two weeks for them to even ship it to me! So it finally arrived and I wanted to make sure it was turned on correctly and all my information was transferred over from my old phone and that is why I was in the Verizon store. I wanted one of the techs to help me with that. Well wouldn't you know there was some kind of small issue. The store tech couldn't get the phone to "boot up" just right so she call an IT person at Verizon corporate. This guy is working with me and eventually tells me to take the phone and go outside. "You mean outside the store?" I ask. "Yeah, take it outside on the sidewalk" he says. I'm thinking you've got to be kidding - I'm inside a freaking Verizon store. So, I had to put the handset to the landline down and walk outside onto the sidewalk and voila! it booted up. So walk back in the store and pick up the phone with the IT guy. Meanwhile, there are several people inside the store and I've been there practically 45 minutes already with someplace else I needed to be heading to. Well, it seems there was this little Hispanic girl, approximately two, who wasn't having a very good day. She was getting louder and louder and her parents just paid not attention. I am still on the phone trying to get help with the IT guy, when she REALLY gets loud! I said out load to the techs across the counter " I can help that child!"with a little bite of satire in my voice. They and the IT guy on the phone just busted out laughing. I gave the Tech across the counter from me one of those "give me five minutes with her and she'll have a new outlook on life" looks; when all of the sudden she throws herself on the floor and begins shrieking and wailing! I spun around with the phone up to my ear and look straight at the mother and said "DO YOU......MIND?" She was incredulous! How dare I. Finally the dad, who must have finally grown a pair right there, began to scoop her up off the floor and attempt to subdue her in some small manner. Let me tell you what I wanted to say out loud was "this is a place of business, not an audition for Nanny 911!" I mean really, here was this 30 pound baby having complete control over her mother and father who was probably 250. I thought if it comes to having to resort to public humiliation to get the parents to parent that child, then so be it.

Okay, I'm done. I'm going to find that blasted hammer if it's the last thing I do today!